Jun

bad mom, right here.

here i go. at the end of this post, you may think i am a horrible human being. so be it. i just need some me time. the content of this post is for mature audiences only. children under 5 named lana and mia should not read this.

i’m tired of my kids. really, i am. it is not entirely their fault. okay, it’s NOT their fault, they are only being kids and doing normal kid things, such as pissing in their pants right when we get home or crying, no screaming, in my face while my hands are full of groceries, a backpack, a diaper bag, and a mini ice pack bag filled with breastmilk. please, just please leave the kitchen and give me some space while i am trying to cook a halfway decent meal. no, i really do not need your help at this time. i really rather have you just be able to occupy yourself for this 1 hour, just 1 hour, i beg of you. i find myself less annoyed at you, my 8 month old, because you have less of a conscious brain to make decisions and are unable at this point to actually listen to your mother. what really annoys me is when all i want is some peace and quiet. quiet. that is all i am asking. but even that is hard to come by until both of you have fallen asleep. but all i want at that point is to fall asleep myself. but the horrible thing is that the sooner i fall asleep, the sooner i will wake and have to do it all over again in the morning.

sometimes i wonder if i am the only horrible mother in the world. like seriously. is it this frustrating and hard and annoying for everyone else too? or am i just an exceptionally poorly qualified mother. i know some people are just more nurturing, more patient, more loving. i don’t know…some days are better than others. but overall, i just feel like motherhood is hard and i’m just not very natural at it. i wish i were. i wish i were more like my mother who seems to have an unlimited supply of grace, positivity (yet realistic at the same time), and humor. i also wonder if motherhood is an acquired skill. In motherhood experience, I only have 3 years under my belt….which is relatively few. what i find hard about it is the fact that it seems to require much sacrifice. and really, who wants to do that. no one. there is really no way around it. or if someone has figured that out, please do share. whether it be packing lunches, feeding mia when all i wanna do is feed my face because i forgot to eat lunch because i was pumping your breastmilk, giving lana a bath, doing laundry…the things kind of add up after awhile. it’s sometimes the things you don’t really think about…like how much more effort it takes to unload the car. how you can’t hang out with your friends as easily as before. how you can only hang out in certain places if you want your kids to come. how it takes so much effort and babysitting arrangements just to go see a movie at the theater. everything is just less convenient and not so quick and easy anymore. and sex? i kind of forgot what that was….

i want to find joy in being a mother. really i do. i want to look back on my experiences and be happy and proud of the mother i was for my children. perspective has a lot to do with it. perspective in terms of what are the goals of being a mother? what are my goals for lana and mia? is my goal to raise to most obedient child? or the most patient child? or the most athletic child? what my end goals are will highly determine my parenting style and the things that frustrate me or bring me joy as a parent. lana is out in the living room, stomping around, singing, “1, 2, cha-cha-cha” and has been on repeat for about 10 minutes. i’m not exaggerating, i checked the clock. she has even visited me a few times and demanded that i be a part of her marching band. perspective to find joy and humor in her singing, rather than viewing it as a nuisance that won’t go away. it’s a start. but it is so dang hard.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

family

Jun

the search . and where it has led me thus far

the value of an education. you reap what you sow. to provide the best for your child. the rat race. studies show that children who attend preschool are better prepared for and are able to adjust better to kindergarten than children who do not. public schools are horrible. private schools are horrible. have you considered homeschooling? okay, please stop now because you are hurting my head.

i promised myself i wouldn’t. i just wouldn’t. i refuse to be one of those moms who OBSESS. i understand everyone obsesses to some degree. but i mean…really, the majority of people do not care if you feed your baby organic, gluten free baby food, the number of times your baby naps per day, or at what age your child learned to take his first crap in the can. i mean, they do, but only because they want to know how their child is shaping up compared to yours. and that is the sole reason. oh wait, one more reason…if your child isn’t performing up to par, then they can feel better about themselves because their child sucks less. but in the grand scheme of life, none of that matters at all. like seriously, at all. it’s all nonsense. so stop asking me if i breastfeed and if so, for how long. and omg you don’t? then do you pump? and how often do you pump? i understand some level of questioning is NORMAL because let’s face it, this is a HUMAN LIFE FORM we are dealing with and there is no instruction manual. if i get this wrong, i could kill this thing. so yes, i totally understand the questions because they come from a place of worry and wanting to do what is best and right for your child. i had those same questions and i still do today. they are just less so about what kind of diapers i use and more so about what school am i gonna send my daughter to. so here i find myself, doing the very thing i told myself i would not do. obsessing over school options. the hot topic as of late? public vs. private. my husband and i (or rather just i) have pretty much crossed off the option of homeschooling. i was homeschooled and there is NO WAY i could spend day in and day out with my kids and in the end, have 3 smiling females at the end of the day. i believe it takes an amazing type of person full of exteme patience and perseverance to do homeschooling and i am not qualified, not even a little. i’m probably negative qualified. so that leaves us with public school and private school. my husband went to private school..all the way until he went to college. that is his comfortable place. on the other hand, sitting at home in my pajamas doing my math at my desk, with an occasional errand to fedco or the grocery store so mom could figure out dinner, was my comfortable place. two very different end goals, private school being very highly academic and homeschool being…haha i dunno, for me it was very relational. i don’t remember much of the academics, but i do remember having tons of fun doing supersoaker water fights with my brothers who were also homeschooled. we’ve been on a number of private school tours and we also attended our public school district’s parents orientation night. very different vibes. pros and cons to each. but in the end, here is the bottom line. we cannot afford to send our kids to private school unless we qualify for some significant financial aid.

$$$. it’s a powerful thing. and i hate the feeling of being controlled by it. pretty much every decision you make in your life is based upon money. the clothes you choose to wear, the places you grocery shop. even the friends you hang out with. come on now, i can’t be seen with THAT person. i told mike that i wouldn’t want him to feel burdened or pressured into always having to maintain a certain salary in order to get the girls through private school. at this rate, he would never retire! i’m not making billions at my job, nor do i forsee myself significantly contributing financially. not unless i changed jobs for something more corporate. and i already know i would not be happy there. yes, i might get paid more, but i’m just not a corporate america kinda gal. i interviewed once at sun america in century city and i felt completely out of place. i would be working at my little cubicle all day, doing some type of insurance stuff (which sounds amazingly horrible and boring). i remember asking the lady who interviewed if she would only recommend i take this job if i was actually interested in insurance. and she said yes, you should probably take it only if you were interested in the field. at that point, i had made up my mind and i told her no thank you. so yes…i guess what i’m trying to say is that money does not equal happiness. but the world is so deceptive in making us think it does.

i started reading this book. amazing, i know. i can’t even remember the last book i read. it’s called grace based parenting, by dr. tim kimmel. i’m only on page 25, but it’s such a good book! so many things are making sense and are helpful to me while i’m navigating how to be a good parent to miss sassy pants and her lil’ sidekick. he talks about fear-based parenting and he mentioned public schools. how some parents are afraid of things like homosexuality, the public school system, or drugs. so they keep their children protected from these things. but this does not teach children anything but to fear those same things. it also shows my lack of trust in God….that I’m doubting that He is trustworthy in taking care of my girl, whatever school she ends up at. the book touched upon the concept of freedom. that in christ, there is freedom to be who we are, because of grace. as i read thru, i felt this sense of peace that God was telling me, “you know what em, whatever school your girls end up at, they will be okay because i love you and i love them.” the burden felt lifted, even if it were only momentarily. i felt like God had my back in this. i’m not saying that now i know clearly what God wants for Lana. but what i am saying is that i’ve gained a bit more confidence and assurance in knowing that she walks in the palm of His hand. and that is all that should matter.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

motherhood

May

united we stand

thought i should explain the resolution to what happened a few nights ago. otherwise, you’d all think i was married to the biggest jerk ever. i should also probably resist the urge to run to my wordpress everytime i am highly upset. eh…it’s my therapy. if i sound like a crazy b, so be it. if it prevents me from taking it out on my husband or someone else, then i say it’s beneficial.

it was my first time ever sleeping on the couch by choice in defiance to my husband. that’s pretty huge for me since i love my cozy bed and pillow. woke up the next day and we both went about our business in silence. he came up to me and apologized before he left for work. i’m glad we were able to reconcile quickly. i realized my husband really is a man of few words. not few thoughts, but few words. what i think he was trying to tell me (in the few short sentences he said) is that he felt tired and burnt out from life (mainly the kids) and by me going out on weekends, he felt unsupported by me. ever since my hair was falling out, he started helping me out by going grocery shopping and cooking 1x/wk. it’s been a huge help to me. but at the same time, it’s more work for him and gives him even less time to just relax and have time to himself. we hugged and he said something like, “i’ve been defeated. but i’m supposed to be indestructible.” yup mike, let’s face it…our kids, by the age of 3.5 and 0.5 have defeated us and destroyed our lives. 🙂

bottom line, here is what i’ve concluded. it’s either united we stand, or divided we fall. i wikipedia’ed it and here is what it said:

“United we stand, divided we fall” is a phrase that has been used in mottos, from nations and states to songs. The basic concept is that unless the people are united, it is easy to destroy them.

nailed it on the head! it is easy to destroy them! parenting 101. it’s us vs. them. husband, you are either with me, or you and i will individually be destroyed by our own flesh and blood. we need to be on the same team, the same page, on each other’s side for any of this to work. you need to look out for me and i need to look out for you. otherwise, we are gonna be eaten alive.

i love being a mom. it has changed my perspective on pretty much everything. it has changed the way i view my role as wife. it has changed the way i view my adult friendships and other children. it has changed the way i view my own parents. it has been the best thing and the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. i love the challenge of wanting to be good at something, yet knowing that in order to be good at this, i’m going to pretty much give up my own desires on behalf of something so precious, a human life, that at the same time can piss me off to no end.

this is real life

because there was no way in hell mom was gonna pay 8 bucks for popcorn at the circus. still, she kept her promise when we got home.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

family/husband + wife/motherhood

Apr

my stance

i haven’t been this upset at you in a long time. i can’t even remember the last time i’ve been this upset. your comments, though seemingly careless perhaps, went deep. ultimately, i am angry because i am hurt at your words. and at what those words imply.

“you’re way in the negative already….” “when you’re with them at home, that doesn’t count, it’s part of your job.” “ever since your hair falling out incident…” what these words convey to me is that you are keeping score and that i am not pulling my weight. you feel that i am in the negative and that i owe you somehow. or that i must repay my debt to you so that we can somehow become even again. your second comment implies that you view my days off with the kids as part of my wifely duty and that is doesn’t “count” in the “score of life.” and what probably gets me the most is that after i expressed that your first two comments bothered me, the first words out of your mouth were to bring up my hair falling out. i know what you were going to say before i cut you off. you were going to say that ever since my hair falling out incident, i’ve gone to the other extreme of playing around too much and putting emily first too much at the expense of you, my husband. how dare you even go there. to me that shows me you really did not understand the depth of my stress or the pain and failure i felt as a mother who let her family down. being a mother is not easy. i am a working mother. perhaps if you think i am not doing a “good enough” job, i should quit my paying job and stay at home so i can have more time to do the things you think i should be doing.

i know this will pass and we will reconcile. but it bothers and disturbs me that you feel that your family….me, your wife, and your two little girls “get in the way” of all the seemingly important things on your “to do” list. it bothers me that you want a day off from us. i understand your need and desire to have “me time”….really, i do. which is why i encouraged you to hang out with friends, to have cave time. you need to recharge and find time to be you, apart from your kids, apart from me. but you know what, there will always, always be things to do, errands to run, items to check off your list. but your girls will only want to play with you for so long, they will only want to call you their prince for a few short years. i hope you learn this lesson sooner, rather than later. i wish you didn’t view us as an incovenience to you, or as something that makes you less efficent in life. but if that is what you need to make you a happy person, i will try and support that. i just do not think that ultimately, accomplishing your “to do” list will make you a happier person. you will just soon think up more items you need to take care of. perhaps you need to dig deeper and think about why you desire to be so “efficient” in life. does completing tasks give you a sense of value or self worth? do you find your self-worth in how competent and efficient you are? perhaps you need to ask God what kind of person does he want you to be? ultimately, i just want you to be happy. i want you to have more patience with lana. i want you to want to spend time with us, without thinking about all the things you need to get done. life is only a vapor…quality over quantity.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

husband + wife

Feb

life lessons from a 3 year old

never underestimate children. never say they won’t get it, they are only a child. never put down your child, thinking what you are going to explain to him/her will go way over his or her head, so what’s the use. tonight, just now, my 3 year old amazed me with profound insight.

i broke down in tears in my mom’s upstairs closet tonight. the stress of parenting, trying to be a good mother, trying to be a good wife, trying to be good employee, trying to make dinners, trying to bathe your kids without yelling at them…all the trying finally got to me. my hair has been falling out for weeks now, and all this time i thought it was because of breastfeeding? which i thought was related, maybe it is, i don’t know. but my dad said it looks like i had allopecia? basically your hair falls out due to stress. i sat there for a moment, confused and concerned. i know i had been tired all the time. and stressed at times. but i had always told myself that it was just a bad day and it would pass. but as i let it sink in, i felt the tears start to come so i went upstairs to my mom’s closet. i can’t do it. i just can’t do it. i can’t be all the things everyone wants me to be and needs me to be. and i’m trying so hard to make it all work….to make my kids happy, to make my husband happy, but who is there to make me happy? when can i get my turn to do the things i want to do? i wept. feeling all sorts of emotions, but mostly the feeling of, “i just can’t do this. i can’t be the person everyone needs me to be.”

i collected myself and headed home in tears. my 3 y/o was singing in the back seat, my 4 month old was crying cause she was tired. mike had just gotten home from running errands at target. he saw that i was a mess and put the baby to bed. i took care of putting lana to bed. i told her to go potty and put her dora panties on. as she sat on the toilet, i was squating down in front of the toilet, facing her. she asked me why i was crying. i told her i was sad…not sure how much detail you give a 3 year old. she asked me why i was sad. i told her it was because i felt like a bad mom. my tears started coming again. she looked at me, with a kind and solemn face and said, “but you’re not a bad mom.” those words, those exact words, are what i was longing to hear. i started to weep. then she said, “mom, everyone knows you and likes you.” i couldn’t help but embrace her while she sat on the potty waiting to pee. more tears came. she said, “daddy, mia, gra, papa, we all love you, mom.” the tears stopped and i thanked her for the truths she spoke into my life. now’s the hard part…making the changes i need to make in my life. i need to start putting emily first. maybe not first, but definitely not last. i need to stop killing myself over making good dinners. i need to reduce the activities that are causing stress in my life and increase the activities that bring me joy and peace. i am so thankful for my kids…yes, they do cause stress (not their fault)…but they are also a source and example to me of unconditional love, encouragement, and hope.

11 years ago Short URL Comments

family/motherhood

Feb

last place

lately i’ve been feeling like last place. with two demanding kids, it’s not all about me anymore and honestly, it’s not very fun at times. while children have brought much joy to my life, they have also caused me to take a back seat, and sometimes not so willingly.

my typical routine varies, depending on the day, but i am a person of much habit and structure. repeated patterns make me feel comfortable and in control of my time and day. i work 20hrs/week and go in on monday, wednesday, friday. wednesday/friday are my full 8 hour days and my hardest in terms of my energy level. i wake up at 5am, pack up everyone’s lunches, prepare everyone’s simple breakfast, feed mia, and drop her off at my parents at 6:30am. then i get to work by 7am, work until 3:30pm, pick up the kids at 4pm, cart them home to give them baths, then attempt to make a decent looking dinner by about 6:30pm. it doesn’t sound hard in theory, but in reality, it’s very draining, time consuming, and by nature, i am not a patient or nurturing person. after dinner, we clean dishes and get the girls ready for bed around 8:30pm. by that time i’m pretty much a zombie, i take my shower, and fall into my bed. thank the lord i only have to do this routine twice a week.

when this is your life, you start feeling like last place. i asked myself, is it wrong to feel last place? this is my family after all..so technically, i should WANT to do these things for them, right? and part of me does, i do enjoy making meals for my family…i do enjoy caring for my children. but part of me wants someone to care for me. i know i have an amazing husband, but he also works 40 hours/week and comes home pretty drained himself. so i don’t feel exactly comfortable asking him for more than he is already providing. a lot of times i feel like i’ve lost a part of me. the emily who used to love shopping, the emily who loved making jewelry and scrapbooking. i just don’t have time to do the things that make me happy. and then i start feeling resentment towards my kids and husband. 😦 it’s not a good feeling. nor a good cycle.

i’m realizing that being emily doesn’t make me a bad person. it doesn’t make me a selfish person to want to have mike watch the kids so i can shop for a few hours. yes, it sounds pretty superficial and that i am putting my needs above my children’s. and yes, that is exactly what it is. but if that makes me a more relaxed, happier person and mother, then it is better for everyone all around. it is okay to need a break from the kids, that does not make me a bad mother. it is okay to order take out, that does not make me a lazy person. it is okay to tell lana that sometimes, i cannot play picnic with her because she is not always the priority. sometimes i need to be the priority and that is okay.

11 years ago Short URL 2 Comments

family/motherhood

Jan

mia rae

mia rae. welcome. at 4:51pm on tuesday, oct 16th, 2012, you were born. papa, your grandpa, wished that you had waited 7 hours longer…then you guys could’ve shared birthdays together. right now, you are sleeping in your crib….daddy is at target…your big sister lana is with popo and papa….leaving mommy in peace. i can hear silence and i love it.

tuesday morning. 8am. i had a feeling. was it gas? what did i eat last night? what time is it? 8:02am. mike should be getting ready for work now, but he’s doing his usual snooze routine. should i get up and wake up lana? oh but i love my bed. stomach starts hurting again. 8:10am. hmm…these are contractions…are these contractions?…i hope they are not contractions..

by around 8:30am, i woke up your dad and told him contractions were coming about every 5 minutes apart. they lasted that way until 9am. we decided to call papa and tell him we were coming to drop off lana. calling papa…hmm…no answer.

“hi dad. just wondering if you’re home cause i wanted to drop off lana now. i think we’re gonna head to the hospital now…so if you could call me when you get this, thanks bye.”

started packing up the last of our hospital bags we had prepared weeks prior. i called the doctor to tell him the status. he wanted me to come in so he could check how far along i was. my dad called us back, we dropped off lana, and we were off to santa monica. dr. e did a quick check and said that i was dialated far enough so that i could go straight to the hospital. i remember the ride down the 12-story elevator. a woman inside asked me when was the baby due. we chuckled and told her we were actually on our way to the hospital right now. we drove a few blocks down santa monica blvd and pulled into the same parking lot we did three years ago with lana’s birth. we grabbed our bags and strolled up to the entrance of saint john’s hospital. i remember your dad glancing over at me as we headed toward the hospital entrance. he grinned and said, “it’s a lot different this time around, huh?”

i knew what he meant. we weren’t panicking, less anxiety, less worried…this was our second time, so we somewhat knew the drill. we went up the elevator to labor and delivery and within a few minutes, i was hooked up to the machines and the nurse was monitoring you on the screen. i remember looking up at the clock and it was about 10:30am. the first thing the nurse told us was that your heartbeat was unusually rapid and that was not a good sign. i was sort of worried. she asked me how much i had to drink that day and i honestly don’t think i had anything. she told me i was probably dehydrated and that babies don’t like that. she poked my arm with a needle and hooked me up to a bag of fluid and eventually your heartbeat did slow down. i don’t think much happened between the hours of 11:00am and 4:00pm. oh wait, i forgot the most important part…the epidural! 🙂 i remember the nurse asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1 to 10…and i told her a 7. around 1:30pm, she asked if i wanted to get the epidural and i agreed. dr. e came by too to check on my progress. he also broke my water at that time and i embarrassingly squirted water onto his work clothes! X( the epidural lady came, all i remember is that her name was mary and she was a short asian lady. she was good…quick and easy. she told me to sit at the edge of the bed with my legs dangling off the side and to hunch my shoulders. so i squeezed a pillow, hunched over, and she was done! it did feel a bit uncomfortable and prickly when she was giving me the local anesthesia, but i’m sure that pain is nothing compared to giving birth without it. once the epidural came, it was smooth sailing. they actually had to delay your birth a bit because of the penicillin…it had to be in my system for a certain amount of time, so they let you cook for just a bit longer…until 4:50pm to be exact. so around 4:45pm, dr. e and a couple other nurses came in and i knew it was showtime. he propped up my legs in the stirrups and the huge fluorescent overhead light turned on, aiming right at my you-know-what. this is when i had to keep telling myself, yes…there are about 3 strangers in this room, standing 5 feet away from me, all of whom are standing there looking at my exposed private part…but that is okay, they do this multiple times a day, this is their job. so with mike on one side, the nurse on the other, and dr. e up the middle, we began the process of bringing you into this world. dr. e took the lead in watching the monitor and telling me when to push. he said to take a deep deep breath, then push as hard as i could. it is a very awkward thing to do with all these faces looking back at you, but you gotta do what you gotta do. after the first push, i remember this comical moment where everyone just started chit-chatting back and forth, just passing time….my legs still spread out and everything! i remember thinking to myself, “hello! i am trying to have a baby here and you guys are just chit chatting about your day??!” but it only served to remind me that these people do this for a living so there is no need to be self-conscious. after a total of 4 pushes, you plopped out, at 4:51pm. daddy says that dr. e gracefully scooped you up, suctioned out your nose and mouth, wrapped you up and quickly handed you off to the nurse like a pro. next the placenta came out and i heard the nurse say, “she didn’t even push?! don’t tell the other ladies.” so i guess i got lucky. daddy cut your cord and they placed you on my chest. then that moment happens. it’s the moment that no explanation can do justice. the same moment i experienced the first time with lana, but now with you. it’s the moment they place you onto my chest, our eyes meet, and i am filled with awe, wonder, and it hits me that you are mine. i have never felt this feeling ever before, but it makes all the months of nausea and vomitting somehow worth it.

mia, you were, and still are, a breeze. you slept well the first night at the hospital. of course you woke every few hours because you were hungry, but aside from that, you barely made a peep. papa, gra, uncle jer, auntie jeannie, megan, papa, popo, and auntie jenni all came to visit you and bring us food. they brought mommy’s favorite, steak with rice and barbecued corn on the cob. auntie jenni made cupcakes. we stayed over two nights and were able to leave the following morning. but the night before we left, they said you looked a bit yellow, so that you might be jaundice. when the nurse told me this, my heart sank. it brought back the bad memories and experiences we had with lana and dealing with her jaundice. i didn’t want to see you being poked multiple times a day and having your blood drawn. i didn’t want to see your naked body under the lamp, with only a diaper, protective eye wear, and your tiny feet all wrapped up in bandages from all the needle poking. i hated that they told us to keep lana under the lights as much as possible, so even when she was crying, i had to restrain myself from holding her so she could get more light exposure. i started crying because in my heart, i was anticipating the worse, and i was trying to mentally tell myself it would be okay. mike reassured me, but i was still not at peace. all i could do was offer up a quick prayer that God was in control of all things and that you are His. i was relieved when the nurse told us the following day that your jaundice levels looked moderate so she didn’t think we’d have to do the light exposure. we scheduled you for your first dr. appointment and they told us there that we needed to get bloodwork done since you still looked a bit yellow. my heart quickly became anxious again, but there was nothing i could do about it. i kept telling myself, of course mia is not going to die…jaundice is a common thing and not a big deal. lana came with us to the lab and the nurse let her help turn your viles up and down so the blood would not clump. we left the lab and i remember saying another quick prayer. the doctor said she’d call us around noon with the results.

i remember that lunch. we kept a close eye on the clock, anticipating the doctor’s call. 12:30pm. no call. your dad asked how long we should wait before calling the doctor ourselves. he called around 1pm and left a message to inquire about your blood test results. a few minutes later, the doctor called back and your dad picked up. from the look on his face, i knew it was good news and relief filled my heart. from that day on, we would not have to bring you back to the hospital anymore, you were ours to keep. 🙂

well mia…today is january 7, 2013 and you’re almost 3 months old. i actually started writing this entry about a week or two after you were born back in october but somehow things got busy and i only completed the first two paragraphs! it’s not really your fault, it’s lana’s. 🙂 just kidding…but i must say, having the two of you girls around keeps me on my toes. i just put you down for your nap…and it only took me 2 hours to get you to fall asleep. you are usually a good sleeper, but you aren’t going down as easy today for some reason. lana is at school and the only sounds i hear are the click click click of my keyboard. silence truly is golden.

i’m trying to recap what life has been like since you’ve been here with us. it’s a bit harder for you, living in the shadow of your sister. i don’t know why, but everyone just LOVES her and thinks she is the cutest thing. i just think she is okay. 🙂 i hope you grow up to love each other and play together nicely. i’m sure jealousy and competition will rise eventually between the two of you, but i’m hoping that your dad and i can be as fair as possible and that you will both be raised in the security of Christ’s love for each of you…not in your mom’s, dad’s, or any other stupid boy that comes your way. by the way, mia, you have a TON of hair. i’m not sure what to do with it other than let it grow wild. as far as i can tell, personality wise, you seem to be calmer, more mellow, than lana. you must take after me and lana after your father. she is a wild child and i really don’t comprehend how 1232351092834091235324 words can come out of her mouth during one dinner. you just experienced your first christmas! and i’m sorry that your father and i didn’t buy you anything this year. we will make it up to you once you are more conscious. you also had your first halloween just a few weeks after you were born! lana’s school had a halloween parade and you dressed up as a little black cat. well..you basically had on a blackcat beanie from target, plus drawn on smudged whiskers with my cheapo eyeliner. that was the best i could do this time around. you haven’t gotten sick yet and your 2-month immunizations went well and you didn’t even cry after shot #1. can’t say the same about shot #2 and #3, but you recovered quite nicely. 🙂 you are an amazing sleeper (definitely a trait from mommy), sleeping straight for about 5-6 hours on some nights! i appreciate you letting mommy get her sleep, really i do, you have no idea. this past week you have started to smile and coo! you also really hate sitting in your poop (but who wouldn’t?) and aren’t afraid to let us know that it makes you MAD. a typical dinner includes your big sister, chatting away, whether or not anyone is paying her any attention….your daddy holding you in one arm and eating with the other…and your mommy scarfing her food down cause for some reason, she is the fastest eater in the family. you are pretty good with baths and i think you like the water. today is my last week of maternity leave and i’m actually kind of sad. but i know that you will be in good hands with gra and papa. mia rae lee, it’s been a pleasure getting to know you…

11 years ago Short URL Comments

family/motherhood

Jun

parenting 101

for me, two parents equalled two very different parenting styles. equalled good guy vs. bad guy. equalled confusion, mixed messages, conflict, and resentment. my parents did their best on raising us and that’s all a parent really can do. i’m realizing in my whole 2 years of parenting experience, that parenting is no easy task. it’s funny that as a kid, you don’t realize that your mom and dad are just flying by the seat of their pants. you just expect them to know all the right answers and discipline you with just the right amount of strictness because afterall, they are the adults here. and when you think they’ve been too hard on you and unfair, you are quick to judge them, hate them, and be an even more horrible kid to somehow get them back.

now i’m on the other side of that bridge. welcome to adulthood, here’s your child. i think the conclusion that i’m coming to is that the relationship is what matters most. whether it be close, distant, awkward, or broken, a relationship is the foundation to every interaction and dictates the type or even lack of future interaction with that person.

these past few weeks have been especially hard with lana. i find myself losing patience much quicker and having higher expectations on her. yes, expectations for a 2 year old. what does that even mean? what can be expected of a 2 year old? and when she does not meet those expectations, then what? what is the right response? and how will my response affect future behavior and my overall relationship with her? seems like these past few weeks have brought more questions than answers…

but i am a still a firm believer in relationship. it’s those people you LIKE seeing appear on your caller ID. it’s those people who pop into your mind just because. it’s those people you can share a glance with and know exactly what is going on in that other person’s mind. i don’t have any answers on how to become the best parent. but what i’m trying to remember in those frustrating moments, in those WTF is she thinking moments…is that she is my daughter and she will be forever. so i had better do all i can to promote our relationship, rather than tear it down. even if she doesn’t listen to me for the 100th time, but in her heart knows and understands that i am her friend and on her side, then i will feel that i have succeeded as a mother. i have to learn to accept her shortcomings, realize mine, and move on. easier said than done.

12 years ago Short URL Comments

family/motherhood

Jun

thinking of u…

caught in the middle. it’s not an easy place to be. on one hand, i feel like your behavior does warrant some kind of correction. there is no doubt that you have shown some irresponsibility and lack of judgement. but on the other hand, i feel there is always room for compassion. compassion is so rare these days. people are so quick to judge, quick to speak, and quick to shame someone else’s behavior without putting themselves in that person’s shoes first. it’s hard because the world is telling me that you deserve to be condemned. to be corrected, to be made right. but in my heart, i feel that all you really need is acceptance, forgiveness, and maybe even just a hug. what gets me is that the ones who condemn you the most are the ones you call brothers and sisters in christ. i don’t know you that well, but i feel like you’ve been through a lot. probably more than i will ever know or experience myself. and if something i can give you is a little compassion, then i should. i want to find a tangible way i can show you, but i’m really bad with words and doing stuff face to face. but i do have your mailing address….

1 peter 3:8 – To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;

12 years ago Short URL Comments

family

Apr

week 12

so after 12 long weeks, i can finally say it. i’m pregnant. i have never quite understood and have always secretly been annoyed with those women who just LOVE being pregnant. what is so great about getting big in all the wrong places, throwing up every few hours, back pain, and having the “butterflies,” which feels more like gas?? i know the final end product is amazing (minus the constant crying, feeding, and crap changing)…it’s just that getting there seems so hard at times….

the comments you receive while pregnant are quite interesting. here is my list of comments received that you should NOT repeat:

“how much weight have you gained?”
(2 days later by same person) “how much weight have you gained now?”
“you’re looking rather…” *shakes hands around cheeks and chin implying i’ve gained weight in my face*
“man, you have really broad shoulders”

so there’s my list and i’m only 3 months. let’s see how many more insulting remarks i get when i really start to pop out. on the flip side, i received one of the most genuine and sincere comments, which totally made my day:

“you’re looking really great, em”

this person just casually said that to me at work and i don’t think they know how much it actually meant to me. i’ve never been one to be very confident in my body. i’ve been a range of sizes growing up, spending most of my life on the overweight end of the scale. so i think that’s part of the reason i struggle so much with my esteem and body image during pregnancy. it kinda brings me back to the days when i didn’t like my body and struggled through depression.

but something that brings me out of my self-pity and worry about my body is lana. i don’t think she worries about anything. well, i take it back. she does worry about monsters, dragons, and birds landing on her head. the little girl has no idea how much her world is gonna change and SUCK when her new little sibling arrives. she has no idea that she has to face her dreaded doctor for another round of shots in about 6 months. she has no idea she might be transitioning to a different class at school, which might cause her some anxiety. i kinda love that she just lives in the moment. everyday she wakes up, i ask her, “lana, how are you?” and she always replies with a confident, “good.” and i kinda wish i could be more like her sometimes.

– xoxo –